MY JOURNALS

The Night of April 1st
Defense Attorney : Will you please state your age?

Old Lady: I am 72 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next ?

Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
What You Can Do With a Penis
A guy told a girl that the penis is the only thing you can describe using all 26 letters of the alphabet.

A - Admire it.
B - Blow it.
C - Cuddle it.
D - Double it.
E - Excite it.
F - Fondle it.
G - Grease it.
H - Handle it.
I - Increase it.
J - Jiggle it.
K - Kiss it.
L - Love it.
M - Moisturize it.
N - Nurture it.
O - Over stretch it.
P - Pull it.
Q - Quash it.
R - Rub it.
S - Stroke it.
T - Toss it.
U - Use it.
V - Violate it.
W - Wet it.
X - Xamine it.
Z - Zip it.
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races whilst on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
Refuge Under The Skirt
A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, and asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.
A moment later two millitary police ran up and asked,"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the millitary police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she understood completely.
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either."
Words That Are Not Words
A radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense.
The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96 FM here, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'.

DJ: You are correct, Dave, 'Goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?

Caller: Goan fcuk yourself !

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until...

DJ: 96 FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what's your word?

Caller: Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'Smee'.

DJ: You are correct, Jeff, 'Smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?

Caller: Smee again ! Goan fcuk yourself !

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